So I turned 40 this week. I am not sure what I think about that… I’m not sure if I am happy with the life that I have forged. I feel like I do very little that makes a difference in the world. Before my wife get all, well you know. I have the greatest family, and while not perfect I am a good father and provider. I have a good stable job doing things that I find interesting and rewarding about 30% of the time. All things considered things in my life are great I am truly blessed and I recognize that fact.
But being who I am I want more. I want to be somewhere further ahead of where I am. At 40 I expected to be more than I am, and the only one to blame is myself. I could take more chances, but fear holds me back. I have tasted failure and am still paying the price. I could put myself out there more, but I tell myself I am not ready and people wouldn’t like me. I have a “interesting” and possibly offensive personality in real life. So I put up a wall that is there to protect people from me, I would rather be lonely than cause hurt. On the internet I am different I can edit myself as I type, my “internet personality” is more of who I would like to be.
I’m not here looking for sympathy or a pat on the head. Those are always appreciated though 😉 I just wanted to post something today and this is what came out.
FYI this is one of my favorite 2011 pictures I just could never create a post for it.
4 responses to “Well Seasoned”
…… ( pat pat) All I can say is I kinda understand the feeling. Of course I’m not 40 yet baha) hah hah ha… oh! too soon?! my apologies.. *ahem* I think your awesome. And are clearly growing, learning, doing. I hope you had a great birthday. And remember Age is but a number.. and look back at your blog and look at all the cool things you’ve done and all the new things you learned! growth is growth no matter how big or small. Its all perspective! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Kudos to you Ry. These posts are always difficult, sobering, yet rewarding to write. I sure think you’re awesome!
I remember meeting the “interesting and possibly offensive” Ryan when I first moved into the ward. I like that Ryan. Personally, I like knowing where I stand with someone. I like people who are straight forward and to the point. I myself am one who tends to beat around the bush, so I admire people who can simply tell things how they are. That being said, I have to admit that I am somewhat shocked that the “interesting” Ryan that I respect and consider to be a friend would try to censor himself so as not to “cause hurt.” I am a firm believer that one should not have to apologize or hide who they are. If someone chooses not to associate with “interesting” Ryan, it’s their own loss. I have seen glimpses of the “edited, internet personality” come through “interesting” Ryan. That’s great. If your goal is to make changes in your life, good for you. Hopefully though you don’t make changes to please “friends.” Hopefully your changes are brought about because you feel they will make you the person you want to be…not the person that others want you to be. On another note, regarding your successes/failures in life…I think we are all there with you. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t see more for themselves. I think we all want more, at least I know I do!!!! One day I will own the Lakers! Start showing your Laker pride and I may just cut you in on the profits!!!
Yeah, I’ve held my tongue long enough!! And now I am all, well you know! 😉 We do have a great life, and it is largely thanks to you. =) But there is nothing wrong with a goal or two. Don’t look back and wonder ‘what if’ look ahead and wonder what can be from here. Really, it’s all good. <3 Oh, and each Birthday brings a new German Chocolate cake or peacan pie. So what's to dread?